Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
