best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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