Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
