Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize