oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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