"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
