hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize