So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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