I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
