is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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