I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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