saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
