thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
