I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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