Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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