Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i drank out of a bidet.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
