I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You pole danced in your parka.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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