Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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