i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
