Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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