I think I am morally bankrupt
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Two words: nipple clamps
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