and my herpes radar will keep us safe
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
