everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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