I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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