Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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