No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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