I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
