you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
