What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize