I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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