I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
