Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Randomize
