You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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