Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
