Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
