I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
