my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
