Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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