why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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