Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
