I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
