my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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