I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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