Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
