The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize