I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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