Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Why is your signature on my underwear?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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