The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize