I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
