So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
