So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
