he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
