Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
