I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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