No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
