oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
