Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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