Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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