My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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