Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
either way he was missing a nipple.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
